Weekly Horoscopes
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn’t clear yet.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you’re finally 10 years old.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to “get some girls.”
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with “Roger that, good buddy.”
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.