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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Tuesday Giggle: Like Father, Like Son, a Sneaky Retainer, and a Rare Steak Analogy
The School teacher sent home a note with her student. The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.” Mother sends a note back the following day, ”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.’ Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): “I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer.
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Wednesday Joke: Jimmy got home early from school
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mum asked: “Why are you home so early?” “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class,” he answered. “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?” she asked. “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?’” Jimmy said.
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Monday Giggle: A Heavenly Tee-Off Time, a Barber’s Free-Haircut Mistake, and a Vampire’s Blood Light
Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a “Medium” and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days. After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. “Well,” said Bill, “What did ya find out?” “I’ve got good news and bad news for…
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Three classic jokes guaranteed to brighten your day
Need a quick laugh? From a clever hospital patient and a brutally honest farewell to Disney World, to an agent who discovers there’s no such thing as a staff discount, these three classic jokes deliver plenty of chuckles and a few unexpected punchlines. Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn’t take much more. One day during breakfast…
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10 things every Australian mum said
Every family had its own traditions, routines, quirks and rules. But if you grew up in Australia a few decades ago or beyond, there’s a good chance your mum also had a collection of sayings she could deploy with remarkable precision. Some were warnings. Others were life lessons. Many made absolutely no sense at all. Yet years later, many Australians can still hear them as clearly as if they…
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21 internet jokes that anyone who survived dial-up will appreciate
Remember the days of dial-up internet, noisy modems and waiting patiently for a webpage to load? Long before smartphones and streaming, computer enthusiasts were creating clever one-liners that poked fun at the emerging online world. Here are 21 classic internet jokes guaranteed to bring a smile to anyone who remembers the early days of life online. 1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The e-mail…