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  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes
  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs.

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes
  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will never achieve your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of “The dog did it” is of absolutely no help—even though it’s actually true this time.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You are in for the fight of your life this week when Scarlett Johansson overhears your catty remarks about the cut of her evening gown.

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes

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  • A very short joke with surprisingly long laughter

    They say the best jokes don’t need a long setup – just the right punchline. This one is over almost before it begins, but don’t be fooled by its size. It’s the kind of joke that sneaks up on you, then hangs around far longer than expected, refusing to let go of the laugh. Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract.

    Source

  • Nine of the Best Dad Jokes we’ve heard so far this year (Yes, it’s only January)

    Groan-worthy, eye-rolling and secretly funny — these are nine of the best dad jokes we’ve heard so far this year, and January isn’t even over yet. What has more lives than a cat? A frog, they croak every night. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop. A ham sandwich walks into…

    Source

  • 9 one-line jokes guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial

    Sometimes all you need is a single sentence to lift your mood. These nine one-line jokes are quick, clever and guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial — no setup required. What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head. Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf? In case they get a hole in one. My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her … I SAID MAYBE.

    Source

  • Three cruise jokes that prove life at sea is always an adventure

    Cruises promise relaxation, luxury and a little adventure – but anyone who’s been on one knows the real fun often comes from the unexpected moments. From life onboard to the quirks of fellow passengers, these three cruise jokes capture the lighter side of life at sea and are guaranteed to give you a laugh before you even unpack your bags. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the…

    Source

  • Three jokes that prove marriage and family life are always good for a laugh

    Marriage and family life come with love, loyalty – and plenty of moments that make you laugh (usually at yourself). These three classic jokes take a cheeky look at spouses, parenting and the realities of long-term relationships, with punchlines that might feel a little too familiar. #1: Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the…

    Source

  • Hold your horses: 7 jokes that every racing fan will love

    Horse racing takes itself seriously – but that doesn’t mean we have to. Whether you’re trackside, watching the races at home, or just love a good pun, these seven jokes about horses and horse racing prove that a little humour is always a safe bet. No form guide required. Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father…

    Source

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