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Weekly Horoscopes
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll finally get into shape this week, though which one exactly, isn’t clear yet.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember to take things one day at a time this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize you have no idea how to “get some girls.”
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
No offense, but when Aquarius got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Everyone enjoys a good party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you’re finally 10 years old.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll confront your problems head-on this Thursday, which is rather unfortunate, as your problems involve a mountain goat.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Lately it seems all your imaginary friends just want to sit around all day and watch television.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with “Roger that, good buddy.”
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
If the full joke doesn’t show, please click the title to see it (opens in a new page/tab)
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Daily Joke: A foreman learns what real laziness looks like
A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man. “Too much trouble,
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Daily Joke: A dinner date takes an awkward turn
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks: “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’.
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Daily Joke: A wife loses her husband at the shops
A married couple were out shopping. Everywhere was packed, and as the wife wandered around, she lost her husband in the crowd. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him to ask where he was. In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t…
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Daily Joke: Crossing the road takes a shocking turn
A man was crossing the road when a car came straight for him. He jumped back just in the knick of time as the car sped past him. A police officer was watching from the corner and ran over to help. “My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!” the shaken man said the cop. “The car came at you from behind,” the officer said. “How could you tell it was your mother-in-law…
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Daily Joke: A married couple enjoy a night under the stars
An old married couple were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night the wife woke her husband up and said: “Look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” The husband replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” The wife said: “And what do you make of that?” The husband replied: “.
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Daily Joke: An old man strolls down the street
An old man is walking down the street when he sees a young boy sitting in front of a sweet shop, shoving lollies in his mouth as fast as possible. The man walks up to the boy and says: “You know son, it’s really not healthy to eat all that sugar.” The kid looks up at him and says: “You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old.” The man replies: “.