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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Sunday Giggle: The Modern Art Mirror That Didn’t Hold Back
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. “This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, Madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”.
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Sunday Giggle: A Hangover, a Black Eye, and One Very Telling Slip-Up
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins…
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Monday Giggle: A Priest’s Miracle, McWine, and the Secret to 50 Years of Marriage
Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine? A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth! Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it? A: It let out a little wine! Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink? A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis. Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet? A: A glass of wine in each…
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Sunday Ponderings: If You Jogged Backward, Would You Gain Weight?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you’re thinking you only think that you’re thinking. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation? Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor.
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Saturday giggle: A husband and wife are looking at their garden
A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden. “Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,” says the wife. “What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?” asks the husband. “Nothing,” replies the wife. “But Mother’s arms are getting a bit tired.”.
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Day 2 from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
A 7-Day Celebration of Comedy’s Biggest Festival Starts at 60 is celebrating the Edinburgh Fringe Festival with a week’s worth of the sharpest one-liners doing the rounds in 2026, one day at a time. All jokes attributed to the touring comedians performing them this August. I’m having an awful time at the moment. The back of my car fell off and you’ll never guess what you can’t buy at a…