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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Monday Giggle: A Heavenly Tee-Off Time, a Barber’s Free-Haircut Mistake, and a Vampire’s Blood Light
Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a “Medium” and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days. After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. “Well,” said Bill, “What did ya find out?” “I’ve got good news and bad news for…
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Three classic jokes guaranteed to brighten your day
Need a quick laugh? From a clever hospital patient and a brutally honest farewell to Disney World, to an agent who discovers there’s no such thing as a staff discount, these three classic jokes deliver plenty of chuckles and a few unexpected punchlines. Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn’t take much more. One day during breakfast…
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A dozen cannibal jokes to start your week
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’ That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods. When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone’s eaten. What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast. Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin’ Allen’s. What do cannibals eat…
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7 Short Saturday Dad jokes to make you laugh
I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn’t work anymore. The council said they would charge me $27.00 to collect it and dispose of it. Instead, I paid $7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don’t like! In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables. I left because I was unhappy with the celery. It was a very moving ceremony.
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7 Sunday jokes to wake you up this morning with a laugh
Girls with lovely Scottish accent So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: “So, are you two girls from Scotland?” One of them said: “Wales Idiot!” So I said: “Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?” That’s the last thing I remember. Perv in the Lingerie…
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Four jokes that are completely different — and all completely brilliant
Sometimes the best jokes are the shortest ones. Sometimes the setup takes a little longer but the payoff is absolutely worth it. These four cover both ends of the spectrum – from a one-liner that lands in an instant to a neighbourhood surveillance story that builds beautifully to its conclusion. The ham sandwich one might be our favourite. Or maybe the blonde with the vacuum. It’.