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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Seven jokes that prove timing is everything – and the last one is the wisest thing you’ll read all week
Some jokes are clever. Some are silly. The very best ones manage to be both at once – and deliver a punchline so well-timed you almost feel it coming and still don’t quite see it arrive. These seven are exactly that kind of joke. The golf one requires your full attention. The fish head one will make you feel slightly foolish in the best possible way. And the last one? Frame it. 1.
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Five jokes that prove the classics never get old
There’s something deeply satisfying about a joke that’s been around long enough to have earned its place. No shock value, no elaborate setup – just sharp timing, a good twist and the particular pleasure of a punchline you almost saw coming but didn’t quite. These five are exactly that kind of joke. Pour yourself a cup of something and enjoy. Two small boys…
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Four backstage jokes that every theatre lover will recognise immediately
Whether you’ve trodden the boards, sat in the stalls or simply spent years watching actors collect awards and thank everyone except the people who actually made the show happen, these four jokes are for you. How do you drown an actor? Place a mirror at the bottom of a pool. A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the…
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These baby jokes are cute, clever and completely harmless – we think
Babies bring joy, sleepless nights and, as it turns out, some surprisingly good punchlines. These five jokes cover everything from military strategy to wet nappies, a very patient father with a tin of strained peas, and a nurse with diplomatic skills that would impress the United Nations. The last one about the stork is either genius or terrible – possibly both. Either way…
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These jokes about wills and inheritance are painfully, perfectly true
If you have ever sat in a solicitor’s office, had a family conversation that took an unexpected turn, or simply watched siblings transform at the mere mention of who gets what, these jokes are for you. From the elderly gentleman with his new hearing aids and very flexible will, to the one-liner that belongs on more headstones than you would expect, this is the funny side of one of life’.
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7 farm jokes that are guaranteed to milk a few laughs
From clever cows to cheeky pigs and one very hungry rooster, these farmyard jokes are packed with groan-worthy punchlines and plenty of laughs. A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he watches the rooster chase a hen around. Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and runs to the piece of cookie. The farmer shakes his head slowly…