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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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2 cheeky jokes guaranteed to deliver a laugh today
From awkward misunderstandings to unexpected punchlines, these two cheeky jokes are sure to brighten your day and leave you laughing. A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?” His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
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Buckle up: the car jokes that will have you laughing all the way to the garage
Whether you’re stuck in traffic, overdue for a service or still not quite sure what to do in a roundabout, these six car jokes are guaranteed to make the journey a little more enjoyable. Proceed with caution – groaning is perfectly normal. Ditzy friend to another: “I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said ’30 mph’ so I drove 30 times…
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How many people does it take to change a light bulb? It depends entirely on their star sign
The humble light bulb joke has been around for decades. But nobody ever thought to apply it to the zodiac – which, it turns out, is where the format finds its true calling. Because once you read how each star sign approaches a burned-out globe, you will immediately think of someone you know. ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it? TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that…
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The funniest things kids say: proof that children have absolutely no filter – and we love them for it
There is a particular kind of humour that only children can pull off – completely unintentional, utterly logical from their perspective, and so perfectly timed it leaves you doubled over. Whether they’re outsmarting a nun with chocolate chip cookie theology, offering emotional support with a catch, or delivering brutal feedback on your handwriting, kids have a gift for saying exactly…
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Three family DNA jokes that prove some results are better left unopened
The home DNA test has changed the world in ways nobody entirely anticipated. Genealogy websites are full of people who set out to find a distant Irish ancestor and instead discovered an entirely different family on the other side of the city. These three jokes are for them — and for anyone who has ever wondered whether some questions are better left unasked. A man has six children and is very…
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Seven workplace jokes that are dangerously close to the truth — share with colleagues at your own risk
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who have had a boss who called daily meetings to work out why nothing was getting done, and those who are not yet telling the truth. These seven workplace jokes are the kind that land hardest on people who have spent decades in an office, a factory, a boardroom or anywhere else a payslip was involved. They are not sophisticated. They are not subtle.