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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Sunday jokes: seven one-liners to make you laugh before lunch
There’s something deeply satisfying about a joke that takes just a second to land – and then makes you groan and laugh at exactly the same time. We’ve gathered eight of our favourites for your Sunday reading. Whether you’re still in your dressing gown with a cup of tea or well into your day, we hope at least one of these makes you snort. Fair warning:
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These one-liners are short, sharp and surprisingly clever
There’s a real art to a great one-liner – the setup is almost nothing, the punchline lands out of nowhere, and before you know it you’re laughing at something you probably shouldn’t be. These ones range from wonderfully absurd to quietly brilliant. Consider yourself warned about the last one. A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop? I sent a food…
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Five Michael McIntyre jokes that prove he’s the funniest man in Britain
There are few comedians in the world who can find genius in the completely ordinary – the scissors stuck in packaging, the weather forecast nobody needed, the old person who answers the phone like a speaking clock. Michael McIntyre has built one of the biggest comedy careers on the planet by noticing the tiny absurdities of everyday life and holding them up for the rest of us to see.
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2 cheeky jokes guaranteed to deliver a laugh today
From awkward misunderstandings to unexpected punchlines, these two cheeky jokes are sure to brighten your day and leave you laughing. A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?” His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
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Buckle up: the car jokes that will have you laughing all the way to the garage
Whether you’re stuck in traffic, overdue for a service or still not quite sure what to do in a roundabout, these six car jokes are guaranteed to make the journey a little more enjoyable. Proceed with caution – groaning is perfectly normal. Ditzy friend to another: “I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said ’30 mph’ so I drove 30 times…
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Ready for take-off? These aviation jokes are cleared for landing
From pilots and passengers to airports and in-flight meals, these classic aviation one-liners are guaranteed to keep your spirits flying high. If you step onto a plane and recognise a friend of yours named Jack don’t yell out Hi Jack! On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.