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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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10 things every Australian mum said
Every family had its own traditions, routines, quirks and rules. But if you grew up in Australia a few decades ago or beyond, there’s a good chance your mum also had a collection of sayings she could deploy with remarkable precision. Some were warnings. Others were life lessons. Many made absolutely no sense at all. Yet years later, many Australians can still hear them as clearly as if they…
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21 internet jokes that anyone who survived dial-up will appreciate
Remember the days of dial-up internet, noisy modems and waiting patiently for a webpage to load? Long before smartphones and streaming, computer enthusiasts were creating clever one-liners that poked fun at the emerging online world. Here are 21 classic internet jokes guaranteed to bring a smile to anyone who remembers the early days of life online. 1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The e-mail…
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Four jokes that start simple and end somewhere you didn’t see coming
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?” After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. “Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked. The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn
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Seven jokes that prove timing is everything – and the last one is the wisest thing you’ll read all week
Some jokes are clever. Some are silly. The very best ones manage to be both at once – and deliver a punchline so well-timed you almost feel it coming and still don’t quite see it arrive. These seven are exactly that kind of joke. The golf one requires your full attention. The fish head one will make you feel slightly foolish in the best possible way. And the last one? Frame it. 1.
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Five jokes that prove the classics never get old
There’s something deeply satisfying about a joke that’s been around long enough to have earned its place. No shock value, no elaborate setup – just sharp timing, a good twist and the particular pleasure of a punchline you almost saw coming but didn’t quite. These five are exactly that kind of joke. Pour yourself a cup of something and enjoy. Two small boys…
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Sunday jokes: seven one-liners to make you laugh before lunch
There’s something deeply satisfying about a joke that takes just a second to land – and then makes you groan and laugh at exactly the same time. We’ve gathered eight of our favourites for your Sunday reading. Whether you’re still in your dressing gown with a cup of tea or well into your day, we hope at least one of these makes you snort. Fair warning: