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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Ready for take-off? These aviation jokes are cleared for landing
From pilots and passengers to airports and in-flight meals, these classic aviation one-liners are guaranteed to keep your spirits flying high. If you step onto a plane and recognise a friend of yours named Jack don’t yell out Hi Jack! On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
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Happy Mother’s Day: the jokes that prove mums have always been one step ahead of everyone else
She knew when you were lying. She knew where everything was. She turned the beaters off before letting you lick them – or maybe she didn’t, and that was the point. In honour of every mum who has seen it all, done it all and still somehow kept the family running, here are a few jokes to share with the special woman in your life today. Fair warning: she will have heard most of them…
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The birthday girl on the cruise ship orders scotch and two drops of water
She’s 80, she’s celebrating, and she knows exactly what she can and can’t hold. A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, “It’s my birthday today, and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.” The bartender says, “Well, since it’.
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Five jokes about being lost — and the punchline you absolutely did not see coming
There is a particular kind of joke that makes you groan so loudly that people in the next room ask if you are alright. These are those jokes. Five of them, all loosely connected by the theme of losing things – watches, sight, jobs, tourists, and any remaining sense of dignity. The tour guide one is possibly the darkest joke we have ever published. The cemetery one is a close second.
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Political jokes that are funny because they’re true – and sad because they’re true
From Canberra tourists to missing Nativity wise men, these political jokes will make you laugh, then sigh, then laugh again. Because honestly, what else can you do? A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Canberra. He said to a man standing near the curb, “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?” “What?&#
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Four police jokes that prove the law isn’t always what it seems
There is something universally satisfying about a joke where the punchline completely upends everything you thought was happening. These four cracking police stories do exactly that – each one builds beautifully, lures you in with total confidence, and then pulls the rug out from under you at the last possible moment. Whether it’s the most patient designated driver in history…