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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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A dozen cannibal jokes to start your week
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’ That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods. When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone’s eaten. What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast. Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin’ Allen’s. What do cannibals eat…
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7 Short Saturday Dad jokes to make you laugh
I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn’t work anymore. The council said they would charge me $27.00 to collect it and dispose of it. Instead, I paid $7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don’t like! In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables. I left because I was unhappy with the celery. It was a very moving ceremony.
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These one-liners are short, sharp and surprisingly clever
There’s a real art to a great one-liner – the setup is almost nothing, the punchline lands out of nowhere, and before you know it you’re laughing at something you probably shouldn’t be. These ones range from wonderfully absurd to quietly brilliant. Consider yourself warned about the last one. A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop? I sent a food…
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Four backstage jokes that every theatre lover will recognise immediately
Whether you’ve trodden the boards, sat in the stalls or simply spent years watching actors collect awards and thank everyone except the people who actually made the show happen, these four jokes are for you. How do you drown an actor? Place a mirror at the bottom of a pool. A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the…
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These baby jokes are cute, clever and completely harmless – we think
Babies bring joy, sleepless nights and, as it turns out, some surprisingly good punchlines. These five jokes cover everything from military strategy to wet nappies, a very patient father with a tin of strained peas, and a nurse with diplomatic skills that would impress the United Nations. The last one about the stork is either genius or terrible – possibly both. Either way…
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These jokes about wills and inheritance are painfully, perfectly true
If you have ever sat in a solicitor’s office, had a family conversation that took an unexpected turn, or simply watched siblings transform at the mere mention of who gets what, these jokes are for you. From the elderly gentleman with his new hearing aids and very flexible will, to the one-liner that belongs on more headstones than you would expect, this is the funny side of one of life’.