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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
If the full joke doesn’t show, please click the title to see it (opens in a new page/tab)
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Monday Giggle: Should Computers Be “He” or “She”? A Retired Sailor’s Dilemma
A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as “She” or “Her”. But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to…
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Saturday Giggle: A Sneaky Trap and a Very Suspicious Alibi
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap! “That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. “How do you know?” the friend asked. “She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.” “So?”.
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Sunday Giggle: A Hangover, a Black Eye, and One Very Telling Slip-Up
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins…
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Monday Giggle: A Little Boy Puts Faith to the Practical Test
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.” The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’.
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Saturday Giggle: A Little Boy’s Church Whisper Goes Sideways
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. From now on when you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to whisper’.” The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and…
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Monday Giggle: A Priest’s Miracle, McWine, and the Secret to 50 Years of Marriage
Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine? A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth! Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it? A: It let out a little wine! Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink? A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis. Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet? A: A glass of wine in each…