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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Four jokes that start simple and end somewhere you didn’t see coming
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?” After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. “Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked. The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn
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Seven jokes that prove timing is everything – and the last one is the wisest thing you’ll read all week
Some jokes are clever. Some are silly. The very best ones manage to be both at once – and deliver a punchline so well-timed you almost feel it coming and still don’t quite see it arrive. These seven are exactly that kind of joke. The golf one requires your full attention. The fish head one will make you feel slightly foolish in the best possible way. And the last one? Frame it. 1.
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Ready for take-off? These aviation jokes are cleared for landing
From pilots and passengers to airports and in-flight meals, these classic aviation one-liners are guaranteed to keep your spirits flying high. If you step onto a plane and recognise a friend of yours named Jack don’t yell out Hi Jack! On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
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Happy Mother’s Day: the jokes that prove mums have always been one step ahead of everyone else
She knew when you were lying. She knew where everything was. She turned the beaters off before letting you lick them – or maybe she didn’t, and that was the point. In honour of every mum who has seen it all, done it all and still somehow kept the family running, here are a few jokes to share with the special woman in your life today. Fair warning: she will have heard most of them…
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How many people does it take to change a light bulb? It depends entirely on their star sign
The humble light bulb joke has been around for decades. But nobody ever thought to apply it to the zodiac – which, it turns out, is where the format finds its true calling. Because once you read how each star sign approaches a burned-out globe, you will immediately think of someone you know. ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it? TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that…
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The funniest things kids say: proof that children have absolutely no filter – and we love them for it
There is a particular kind of humour that only children can pull off – completely unintentional, utterly logical from their perspective, and so perfectly timed it leaves you doubled over. Whether they’re outsmarting a nun with chocolate chip cookie theology, offering emotional support with a catch, or delivering brutal feedback on your handwriting, kids have a gift for saying exactly…