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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Five jokes that prove the classics never get old
There’s something deeply satisfying about a joke that’s been around long enough to have earned its place. No shock value, no elaborate setup – just sharp timing, a good twist and the particular pleasure of a punchline you almost saw coming but didn’t quite. These five are exactly that kind of joke. Pour yourself a cup of something and enjoy. Two small boys…
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Sunday jokes: seven one-liners to make you laugh before lunch
There’s something deeply satisfying about a joke that takes just a second to land – and then makes you groan and laugh at exactly the same time. We’ve gathered eight of our favourites for your Sunday reading. Whether you’re still in your dressing gown with a cup of tea or well into your day, we hope at least one of these makes you snort. Fair warning:
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Three family DNA jokes that prove some results are better left unopened
The home DNA test has changed the world in ways nobody entirely anticipated. Genealogy websites are full of people who set out to find a distant Irish ancestor and instead discovered an entirely different family on the other side of the city. These three jokes are for them — and for anyone who has ever wondered whether some questions are better left unasked. A man has six children and is very…
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Seven workplace jokes that are dangerously close to the truth — share with colleagues at your own risk
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who have had a boss who called daily meetings to work out why nothing was getting done, and those who are not yet telling the truth. These seven workplace jokes are the kind that land hardest on people who have spent decades in an office, a factory, a boardroom or anywhere else a payslip was involved. They are not sophisticated. They are not subtle.
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The birthday girl on the cruise ship orders scotch and two drops of water
She’s 80, she’s celebrating, and she knows exactly what she can and can’t hold. A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, “It’s my birthday today, and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.” The bartender says, “Well, since it’.
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Five jokes about being lost — and the punchline you absolutely did not see coming
There is a particular kind of joke that makes you groan so loudly that people in the next room ask if you are alright. These are those jokes. Five of them, all loosely connected by the theme of losing things – watches, sight, jobs, tourists, and any remaining sense of dignity. The tour guide one is possibly the darkest joke we have ever published. The cemetery one is a close second.