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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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These one-liners are short, sharp and surprisingly clever
There’s a real art to a great one-liner – the setup is almost nothing, the punchline lands out of nowhere, and before you know it you’re laughing at something you probably shouldn’t be. These ones range from wonderfully absurd to quietly brilliant. Consider yourself warned about the last one. A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop? I sent a food…
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Four backstage jokes that every theatre lover will recognise immediately
Whether you’ve trodden the boards, sat in the stalls or simply spent years watching actors collect awards and thank everyone except the people who actually made the show happen, these four jokes are for you. How do you drown an actor? Place a mirror at the bottom of a pool. A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the…
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Political jokes that are funny because they’re true – and sad because they’re true
From Canberra tourists to missing Nativity wise men, these political jokes will make you laugh, then sigh, then laugh again. Because honestly, what else can you do? A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Canberra. He said to a man standing near the curb, “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?” “What?&#
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Four police jokes that prove the law isn’t always what it seems
There is something universally satisfying about a joke where the punchline completely upends everything you thought was happening. These four cracking police stories do exactly that – each one builds beautifully, lures you in with total confidence, and then pulls the rug out from under you at the last possible moment. Whether it’s the most patient designated driver in history…
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Grey Hair Explained: And It Might Be the Kids’ Fault
They say grey hair is a sign of wisdom … but anyone with kids might have a different theory. If you’ve ever wondered where those silver strands really come from, these cheeky jokes might hit a little too close to home. Grey hair is hereditary. You get it from your children. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her…
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A Balloon, an Engineer and a Manager Walk Into a Problem …
Joke of the Day A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and…