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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Five corny food jokes guaranteed to make you smile
Need a laugh? These five corny food jokes are light, silly and perfect for sharing — because everyone loves a good (or bad) food pun. What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up! Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
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Six Morecambe and Wise jokes that still make us laugh today
Few comedy duos are as fondly remembered as Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise. With their quick wit, perfectly timed banter and gentle self-mockery, they became household favourites – and for many of us, a treasured part of Saturday night television. These six classic Morecambe and Wise jokes capture the humour that made them so loved: playful, clever and never unkind. Proof that great comedy…
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Formula for War
Circumcision + Small Hat = Violence
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Moses
Technically speaking, Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the cloud.