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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Three cruise jokes that prove life at sea is always an adventure
Cruises promise relaxation, luxury and a little adventure – but anyone who’s been on one knows the real fun often comes from the unexpected moments. From life onboard to the quirks of fellow passengers, these three cruise jokes capture the lighter side of life at sea and are guaranteed to give you a laugh before you even unpack your bags. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the…
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Six Jerry Seinfeld jokes that perfectly capture everyday life
Jerry Seinfeld has built a career on pointing out the small, everyday things most of us barely notice – and somehow making them hilarious. From social habits to life’s little irritations, his observational humour feels just as relevant today as it did decades ago. These six classic Seinfeld-style jokes highlight why his comedy still resonates: they’re clever, relatable and make you laugh…
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Daily Joke: A man was driving home one day …
A man was driving home one day, when his wife called his mobile. “You need to watch out!” the woman said. “They’re saying on the radio that a madman is driving the wrong way down the freeway!” “Well, they’re wrong about that!” the man said. “There’s not just one – there are hundreds of them!”…
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Daily Joke: Little Suzie is watching her mother cook dinner
Little Suzie is watching her mother cook dinner. “Mummy, why are some of your hairs white?” Suzie’s mother says, “Every time a little girl does something to make her mother sad, the mother gets another white hair.” Little Suzie thinks about this for a few moments, then narrows her eyes. “Mummy, why are all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”…
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Daily Joke: An old man was walking through a park
An old man was walking through a park one day when he heard a woman’s voice calling for help. He turned around, but there was only a frog sitting at the edge of a pond. “Help me,” said the frog. “I must be going mad,” the man said. “You’re not going mad,” said the frog. “I was the one who asked for help. I used to be a beautiful young princess but a witch put a spell on me.” The man picked up the…
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Outer Space?
Q: What has three balls and comes from outer space?
A: E.T. the extra testicle.