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  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.”

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes
  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes
  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs.

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes

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  • Hold your horses: 7 jokes that every racing fan will love

    Horse racing takes itself seriously – but that doesn’t mean we have to. Whether you’re trackside, watching the races at home, or just love a good pun, these seven jokes about horses and horse racing prove that a little humour is always a safe bet. No form guide required. Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father…

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  • Three jokes that prove marriage and family life are always good for a laugh

    Marriage and family life come with love, loyalty – and plenty of moments that make you laugh (usually at yourself). These three classic jokes take a cheeky look at spouses, parenting and the realities of long-term relationships, with punchlines that might feel a little too familiar. #1: Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the…

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  • Daily Joke: Grandkids are cheeky

    A little girl was sitting on her grandmother’s lap as she read her a book. She repeatedly touched her grandmother’s cheek and then her own, fascinated by the difference. “Grandma,” she asked. “Did God make you?” “Yes, dear,” Grandma replied. “God made me a long time ago.” “Did God make me?” she asked. “Yes, God made you too.” Answered Grandma. “Well, he sure has gotten better over the years…
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  • Daily Joke: A man knocked on his boss’s door

    A man knocked on his boss’s door. The boss invited him to come in and have a seat. “What can I do for you today?” “Well, sir,” said the man, “Can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?” “Certainly not!” said the boss. “It’s our busiest week of the year.” “Thank you so much, sir,” said the man. “I knew you’d understand.”…
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  • Daily Joke: One day, Suzie’s mother got a call from school

    One day, Suzie’s mother got a call from school, asking her to pick Suzie up. When the mother arrived, she rushed to Suzie to check if she was okay. “Are you sick? Are you hurt?” “No,” said Suzie. “They’re just letting me go home early because I was the only one who answered a question in class today.” “That’s amazing!” said Suzie’s mother. “What was the question?” “They asked who threw the rubbish…
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  • Daily Joke: An elderly woman was feeling under the weather

    An elderly woman was feeling under the weather, and she called for a doctor to come to her house. Thankfully, the doctor told her it was just a minor virus. “You’re quite fit for your age,” he said. “You should be up and about in a few days’ time.” “That’s great news!” said the woman. “I’m 84 years old and I’ve never been sick a day in my life.” “Really?” said the doctor. “So you’ve never been…
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