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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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8 Short Jokes About Absolutely Random Things (Because We All Need a Laugh)
Not every collection of jokes needs a theme. Sometimes the funniest moments come from life’s random observations – the little absurdities we all recognise but rarely say out loud. From everyday habits to unexpected twists, a quick joke can turn an ordinary moment into something worth chuckling about. So if you’ve got a spare minute and could use a smile, here are eight short jokes about…
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6 light-hearted prison jokes that prove laughter can be found anywhere
Prison isn’t usually a topic associated with humour. It’s a serious subject, and for many people, a difficult one. But sometimes, comedy finds its way into even the most unlikely settings. Wordplay, misunderstandings and clever punchlines can take the edge off heavier themes – without making light of real-life hardship. Here are six classic, harmless prison-themed jokes that rely more on wit…
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Daily Joke: A man buys his girlfriend a special gift
A young man wanted to purchase a very special gift for his new girlfriend. They hadn’t been dating for very long and he wanted to get her the perfect present. After giving it a lot of thought, he decided to get her a new pair of gloves. He went to the store with his sister, who happened to be buying a new pair of panties at the same time. They went to the same check-out and the man behind the…
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Daily Joke: Life, Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and…
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Daily Joke: A cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.” “Well,” says the cat, “I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.” “Say no more,” says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to…
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Daily Joke: I’m a blonde but I’m not stupid!
Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his…
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