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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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5 jokes that prove getting older just means getting funnier
They say age is just a number – unfortunately, it’s a number that now needs reading glasses. Growing older might come with a few extra creaks and forgetful moments, but it also comes with one priceless advantage: a much better sense of humour about it all. If you can’t laugh at ageing, you’re probably still looking for your glasses … which are on your head. Here are five jokes that perfectly…
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9 one-line jokes guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial
Sometimes all you need is a single sentence to lift your mood. These nine one-line jokes are quick, clever and guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial — no setup required. What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head. Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf? In case they get a hole in one. My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her … I SAID MAYBE.
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Daily Joke: A man was driving home one day …
A man was driving home one day, when his wife called his mobile. “You need to watch out!” the woman said. “They’re saying on the radio that a madman is driving the wrong way down the freeway!” “Well, they’re wrong about that!” the man said. “There’s not just one – there are hundreds of them!”…
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Daily Joke: Little Suzie is watching her mother cook dinner
Little Suzie is watching her mother cook dinner. “Mummy, why are some of your hairs white?” Suzie’s mother says, “Every time a little girl does something to make her mother sad, the mother gets another white hair.” Little Suzie thinks about this for a few moments, then narrows her eyes. “Mummy, why are all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”…
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Daily Joke: An old man was walking through a park
An old man was walking through a park one day when he heard a woman’s voice calling for help. He turned around, but there was only a frog sitting at the edge of a pond. “Help me,” said the frog. “I must be going mad,” the man said. “You’re not going mad,” said the frog. “I was the one who asked for help. I used to be a beautiful young princess but a witch put a spell on me.” The man picked up the…
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Outer Space?
Q: What has three balls and comes from outer space?
A: E.T. the extra testicle.