World Cup 2042 to be hosted on Mars
FIFA STRIKE DEAL WITH SPACEX
Several of the Congress were interviewed after the history making vote, just before they got into their brand spanking new, state of the art Teslas, to ask them why they had made their choice; Lambert Maltock, the delegate from Vanuatu, whose national team has never played in the finals, seemed extremely pleased as he ran his hand over the sleek bodywork of the Model X Plaid, in the classically sporty Ultra Red option, and said, “It was the obvious choice; Mars will have the biggest stadiums, a totally integrated infrastructure, and free bungee jumping – what more could you ask for?”. The delegate from San Marino, Gianmarco Ercolani, was equally gushing as he approached his gorgeous and magnificent Cybertruck Cyberbeast, in a masculine Satin Stealth Black, while admitting that it was extremely unlikely that his country would make it to the finals, he was looking forward to the complimentary trip on the SpaceX Starship to watch the games.
Most surprising to many pundits was the support the idea received from the established footballing nations, such as Brazil, Germany, France and Italy, who most thought would have extreme objections, due to both potentially losing out on a lucrative opportunity to host the finals themselves, as well as the predicted television licensing fees, although these were apparently “hugely overexaggerated” according to senior management at Starlink who have already been granted permission to oversee the broadcasting aspect. Starlink, in collaboration with Neuralink, is reportedly developing a system where the match experience can be fully experienced live by having one of their brain-computer interfaces (BCI) implanted; Jared Birchall, CEO of Neuralink, has said that he is “very excited” about the opportunity to bring the tournament to life for “all the poor people who can’t afford to go there in person” for roughly the same price as an Apple Watch.
Quite possibly the most irked organisations have been the mainstream broadcasting networks, who traditionally have had a monopoly on the television coverage, and despite assurances from Starlink, are unconvinced that they won’t lose viewers and revenue that they normally get. No doubt they will attempt to apply pressure on both FIFA and governments to step in, but the power they once had is severely waning, and their complaints are likely to fall on deaf ears, although they may be comforted by the strong statements emanating from the EU, and perhaps slightly less so by the weak witterings from the UK Prime Minister, “Two Tier” Keir Starmer, and his Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, Lisa Nandy, who has been embroiled in two controversies recently, first with the BBC (see below) and more pertinently in breaking rules by failing to declare she had received donations from the man she picked to run England’s new football regulator.
Elon Musk, the prime mover in both the Mars and the Moon bids, and Emperor-elect of Mars, celebrated the decision in typically awkward fashion by jumping up and down and shooting both arms out in front of him, a move that has drawn criticism from many mainstream news outlets; the Guardian called it “his double Hitler moment, where you can just imagine him on stage with a thousand Optimus stormtroopers saluting back before they board a SpaceX Death Star”, while the BBC, reeling after their third Director General in two weeks resigned in disgrace, were slightly more tame, calling it “another inadvisable moment from Musk that further cast doubts on his political leanings and morals”.
Unusually, most major world leaders kept fairly quiet about the whole affair, although the US President, Donald Trump, did make a passing reference to it (see image) in one of his Tweets, while the aforementioned Keir Starmer, when asked about it during Prime Minister’s Questions actually managed to send the entire House of Commons to sleep during his answer, and no one, not even Hansard, were able to record what he said. And we admit that we are stretching the definition of “major world leader” by including him in this article, so apologise unreservedly.
And finally, the fans. As already mentioned, the general mood has been of anger and confusion, but this is not expected to last long, and may even be the final straw for them as far as international football goes; there has always been more interest and loyalty towards their own clubs, and many are often glad that their star player has not been selected for the national team, as that carries with it the inevitable chance that they get injured, or at the very least return jaded and unfit for the next club game. And most fans agree that the standard and quality of the football served up in major international tournaments is now lagging well behind what can be found in most countries top league, and significantly lower than competitions like the Champions League. As far as the fans go, international football might just as well be played on another planet, and now it will be.
