Your Horoscopes

Aries | March 21 to April 19 Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local car dealer. Gemini | May 21 to June 20 Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower. Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22 Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, “World’s Greatest Parent. Libra | Sept.…
