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Your Horoscopes
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local car dealer.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, “World’s Greatest Parent.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be denied auto insurance due to your seventh major moving violation this week.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America’s 10 best cities in which to raise children.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your sticker collection, leaving you to die.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a “crotch-less” panty.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Taylor Swift.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your attempt to sleep with the boss’ spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
All your troubles come to a end when you discover that gin is an adequate replacement for love.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting coworkers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
If the full joke doesn’t show, please click the title to see it (opens in a new page/tab)
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Daily Joke: The secret to living to 100
Asked by a reporter how he had managed to live to the age of 100, an old man explained: “Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if ever we argued the loser should take a long walk to cool off. “So I guess I’ve benefited from 79 years of fresh air”.
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Daily Joke: A broken tooth, a big question, and a good laugh
A patient sits in the dentist’s chair with severely fractured front teeth. After discussing with the dentist how they will be restored and what the fee will be, the patient says: “Before you start, I have to know Doc, will I be able to play the clarinet when you are finished?” “Of course you will!” the dentist happily answers. The patient sighs in relief and says: “Oh that’s great, I couldn’t play…
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Daily Joke: A foreman learns what real laziness looks like
A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man. “Too much trouble,
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Daily Joke: A dinner date takes an awkward turn
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks: “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’.
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Daily Joke: A young man visits the supermarket
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. When he reached the checkout line he realised the old lady was in front of him in line. “Pardon me,” she turned around and said to the young man. “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel…
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Daily Joke: Husband puts his wife’s hearing to the test
A husband began wondering if his wife had a hearing problem as they were struggling to communicate. One day, he decided to put her to the test. While his wife was sitting down watching the television, he crept up behind her. “Honey, can you hear me?” He whispered from a bit of a distance. After no response he crept up a bit closer and said a bit louder: “Honey, can you hear me?