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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Three classic jokes guaranteed to brighten your day
Need a quick laugh? From a clever hospital patient and a brutally honest farewell to Disney World, to an agent who discovers there’s no such thing as a staff discount, these three classic jokes deliver plenty of chuckles and a few unexpected punchlines. Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn’t take much more. One day during breakfast…
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10 things every Australian mum said
Every family had its own traditions, routines, quirks and rules. But if you grew up in Australia a few decades ago or beyond, there’s a good chance your mum also had a collection of sayings she could deploy with remarkable precision. Some were warnings. Others were life lessons. Many made absolutely no sense at all. Yet years later, many Australians can still hear them as clearly as if they…
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Parking Problems? These Jokes Will Make You Feel Better About Your Skills
Parking is one of those everyday challenges that somehow never gets easier. Whether it’s squeezing into a tight spot, second-guessing your angle, or walking away hoping for the best, we’ve all had our moments. The good news? If your parking isn’t perfect, you’re definitely not alone — and these jokes prove it. From cheeky notes on windscreens to workplace “motivation,” here are a few that might…
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Nine Easter jokes to make you want more chocolate
Easter is a time for chocolate, long weekends, and the annual mystery of how eggs – and somehow a bunny – became the stars of the show. It’s wholesome, it’s sweet, and it’s just strange enough to be perfect comedy material. So whether you’re here for the dad jokes, the chocolate puns, or a few cheeky cracks about the Easter Bunny’s workload, these jokes are egg-actly what you need.
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Seven jokes about petrol prices you just have to laugh at
Petrol prices have reached the point where filling up feels less like a routine stop and more like a financial decision that requires a moment of silent reflection. Every trip to the pump now comes with a deep sigh, a quick mental budget recalculation, and the faint hope the numbers might somehow stop climbing. So if you can’t beat the prices, you might as well laugh at them –.
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Nine gambling jokes to remember on your next punt
Gambling might be all about risk, luck, and chasing the big win – but sometimes the real jackpot is finding the funny side when things don’t quite go to plan. From “sure things” that weren’t to those almost moments, there’s no shortage of stories that are equal parts painful and hilarious. So place your bets, keep your expectations low, and enjoy these jokes – because at least laughter…