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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Wednesday Joke: Jimmy got home early from school
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mum asked: “Why are you home so early?” “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class,” he answered. “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?” she asked. “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?’” Jimmy said.
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Monday Giggle: A Heavenly Tee-Off Time, a Barber’s Free-Haircut Mistake, and a Vampire’s Blood Light
Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a “Medium” and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days. After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. “Well,” said Bill, “What did ya find out?” “I’ve got good news and bad news for…
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Four police jokes that prove the law isn’t always what it seems
There is something universally satisfying about a joke where the punchline completely upends everything you thought was happening. These four cracking police stories do exactly that – each one builds beautifully, lures you in with total confidence, and then pulls the rug out from under you at the last possible moment. Whether it’s the most patient designated driver in history…
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Grey Hair Explained: And It Might Be the Kids’ Fault
They say grey hair is a sign of wisdom … but anyone with kids might have a different theory. If you’ve ever wondered where those silver strands really come from, these cheeky jokes might hit a little too close to home. Grey hair is hereditary. You get it from your children. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her…
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A Balloon, an Engineer and a Manager Walk Into a Problem …
Joke of the Day A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and…
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If You Love a Good Pun, These Wordplay Jokes Are for You
There’s something uniquely satisfying about a good play on words. It’s clever, a little unexpected, and often just groan-worthy enough to make you laugh anyway. From classic puns to quick one-liners, these jokes prove that sometimes the simplest wordplay delivers the biggest laughs — or at least a well-earned eye roll. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.