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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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The birthday girl on the cruise ship orders scotch and two drops of water
She’s 80, she’s celebrating, and she knows exactly what she can and can’t hold. A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, “It’s my birthday today, and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.” The bartender says, “Well, since it’.
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Five jokes about being lost — and the punchline you absolutely did not see coming
There is a particular kind of joke that makes you groan so loudly that people in the next room ask if you are alright. These are those jokes. Five of them, all loosely connected by the theme of losing things – watches, sight, jobs, tourists, and any remaining sense of dignity. The tour guide one is possibly the darkest joke we have ever published. The cemetery one is a close second.
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6 light-hearted prison jokes that prove laughter can be found anywhere
Prison isn’t usually a topic associated with humour. It’s a serious subject, and for many people, a difficult one. But sometimes, comedy finds its way into even the most unlikely settings. Wordplay, misunderstandings and clever punchlines can take the edge off heavier themes – without making light of real-life hardship. Here are six classic, harmless prison-themed jokes that rely more on wit…
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15 short jokes to cheer you up
There’s something about rainy days that makes everything feel a little slower. The washing won’t dry, the dog refuses to go outside, and even the kettle seems to take longer to boil. But if we can’t control the weather, we can at least improve our mood. So while the rain taps on the windows and the sky stays stubbornly grey, here are 15 short jokes to lift your spirits. They’re quick…
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A Laurel and Hardy classic that never gets old
Before television was king, Laurel and Hardy were the comedy superstars who had audiences crying with laughter in cinemas around the world. Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy became household names in the late 1920s and 1930s, mastering physical comedy, perfectly timed misunderstandings and that unforgettable combination of Stan’s wide-eyed innocence and Ollie’s slow-burn frustration.
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This courtroom exchange explains a marriage breakdown perfectly
Miscommunication can cause all sorts of problems – especially in a marriage. This classic courtroom joke follows a judge’s increasingly frustrated attempt to understand why a couple is heading for divorce, only to discover that sometimes the problem isn’t what’s being said… it’s how it’s heard. A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “.