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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Seven jokes about petrol prices you just have to laugh at
Petrol prices have reached the point where filling up feels less like a routine stop and more like a financial decision that requires a moment of silent reflection. Every trip to the pump now comes with a deep sigh, a quick mental budget recalculation, and the faint hope the numbers might somehow stop climbing. So if you can’t beat the prices, you might as well laugh at them –.
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Nine gambling jokes to remember on your next punt
Gambling might be all about risk, luck, and chasing the big win – but sometimes the real jackpot is finding the funny side when things don’t quite go to plan. From “sure things” that weren’t to those almost moments, there’s no shortage of stories that are equal parts painful and hilarious. So place your bets, keep your expectations low, and enjoy these jokes – because at least laughter…
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Proof criminals aren’t always clever: Three jokes about really dumb crooks
Crime might pay … but intelligence is clearly optional. For every master criminal who plans an elaborate heist, there are dozens more who forget the basics – like not leaving their name, face or return address at the scene. From crooks caught by their own logic to thieves undone by breathtaking stupidity, these jokes celebrate the criminals who make you wonder how they ever got out the front…
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5 jokes that prove getting older just means getting funnier
They say age is just a number – unfortunately, it’s a number that now needs reading glasses. Growing older might come with a few extra creaks and forgetful moments, but it also comes with one priceless advantage: a much better sense of humour about it all. If you can’t laugh at ageing, you’re probably still looking for your glasses … which are on your head. Here are five jokes that perfectly…
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9 one-line jokes guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial
Sometimes all you need is a single sentence to lift your mood. These nine one-line jokes are quick, clever and guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial — no setup required. What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head. Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf? In case they get a hole in one. My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her … I SAID MAYBE.
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Nine of the Best Dad Jokes we’ve heard so far this year (Yes, it’s only January)
Groan-worthy, eye-rolling and secretly funny — these are nine of the best dad jokes we’ve heard so far this year, and January isn’t even over yet. What has more lives than a cat? A frog, they croak every night. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop. A ham sandwich walks into…