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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Three family DNA jokes that prove some results are better left unopened
The home DNA test has changed the world in ways nobody entirely anticipated. Genealogy websites are full of people who set out to find a distant Irish ancestor and instead discovered an entirely different family on the other side of the city. These three jokes are for them — and for anyone who has ever wondered whether some questions are better left unasked. A man has six children and is very…
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Seven workplace jokes that are dangerously close to the truth — share with colleagues at your own risk
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who have had a boss who called daily meetings to work out why nothing was getting done, and those who are not yet telling the truth. These seven workplace jokes are the kind that land hardest on people who have spent decades in an office, a factory, a boardroom or anywhere else a payslip was involved. They are not sophisticated. They are not subtle.
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5 Funny Police Jokes That Will Have You Laughing Out Loud
There’s something timeless about a good police joke. Maybe it’s the flashing lights, the awkward excuses, or the classic “Do you know why I pulled you over?” moment – the setup is always ripe for a clever twist. If you’re in the mood for some light-hearted humour (strictly harmless, of course), here are five police jokes guaranteed to raise a smile. Five year old Little Johnny was lost…
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The Golfing Wish That Backfired: A Frog, Three Wishes … and One Very Clever Wife
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.” The woman freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes – that whatever you wish for…
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Heavenly timing: 3 prayer jokes with wicked twists
There’s something about bedtime prayers that feels sweet, innocent and wholesome … until the punchline lands. If you enjoy classic joke-telling with a clever twist at the end, these three prayer-themed gags will have you chuckling – and maybe keeping an ear out next time someone says “goodbye” during grace. One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: “God bless Mommy…
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8 Short Jokes About Absolutely Random Things (Because We All Need a Laugh)
Not every collection of jokes needs a theme. Sometimes the funniest moments come from life’s random observations – the little absurdities we all recognise but rarely say out loud. From everyday habits to unexpected twists, a quick joke can turn an ordinary moment into something worth chuckling about. So if you’ve got a spare minute and could use a smile, here are eight short jokes about…