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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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How many people does it take to change a light bulb? It depends entirely on their star sign
The humble light bulb joke has been around for decades. But nobody ever thought to apply it to the zodiac – which, it turns out, is where the format finds its true calling. Because once you read how each star sign approaches a burned-out globe, you will immediately think of someone you know. ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it? TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that…
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The funniest things kids say: proof that children have absolutely no filter – and we love them for it
There is a particular kind of humour that only children can pull off – completely unintentional, utterly logical from their perspective, and so perfectly timed it leaves you doubled over. Whether they’re outsmarting a nun with chocolate chip cookie theology, offering emotional support with a catch, or delivering brutal feedback on your handwriting, kids have a gift for saying exactly…
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Three pregnancy jokes that will deliver a good laugh
Sometimes the best jokes are the ones that sneak up on you. Whether it’s a clever misunderstanding, a classic doctor’s punchline or a little bit of awkward humour, pregnancy jokes have a way of delivering laughs when you least expect them. If you’re in the mood for a light-hearted chuckle, these three jokes might just brighten your day. Teacher: “Give me a sentence about a public servant.” Student:
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Talking Trash: Five Rubbish Jokes That Are Surprisingly Good
They say one person’s trash is another person’s treasure – and today we’re digging through the bin for comedy gold. Here are five gloriously groan-worthy jokes that prove rubbish humour can still clean up nicely. Career Goals A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies. “Strange ambition…
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Five Fresh Jokes to Brighten Your Day – Including a Restaurant adults Will Love
Sometimes all you need is a quick giggle to turn the day around – and these five jokes deliver exactly that. From cheeky wordplay to classic groan-worthy punchlines, this mix of food gags and clever twists is guaranteed to raise a smile. Whether you’re sharing them with the grandkids or keeping them up your sleeve for your next catch-up with friends, there’s something here for everyone. I&#
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Say Cheese! A Fridge Full of Grate Cheese Jokes to Make You Melt
There are cheesy jokes… and then there are jokes that are actually about cheese. Today, we’re opening the fridge door and serving up a dairy-delight collection of brie-lliant puns, gouda gags and mature humour that’s anything but bland. Whether you’re a fan of sharp one-liners or something a little more crumbly, these jokes are guaranteed to make you smile – no matter how bleu you’re feeling.