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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Loch Ness Monster jokes that prove Nessie has a wicked sense of humour
There’s something timeless about a good old-fashioned monster story – especially when it comes with a punchline. The legend of Loch Ness Monster has fascinated travellers, sceptics and believers for generations, but it seems Nessie isn’t just mysterious … she’s also unintentionally hilarious. From whisky-fuelled sightings to divine interventions gone wrong, these three jokes give the famous…
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A good laugh is a winner: The funniest sports jokes to share this week
Whether you’re a die-hard fan or just enjoy the occasional game, there’s something about sport that brings out the humour in all of us. From cricket one-liners to tennis puns and a State of Origin mishap you won’t forget in a hurry, these jokes prove that sometimes the funniest moments happen off the field. So sit back, have a chuckle, and maybe share one with a mate –.
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7 political jokes that prove laughter might be the only thing we all agree on
Politics can divide families, ruin dinner parties and make otherwise sensible people shout at the television. But every now and then, it also delivers something we can all enjoy – a good laugh. From campaign promises to parliamentary behaviour, there’s no shortage of material. So in the interest of national unity (or at least a shared chuckle), here are seven politics jokes guaranteed to…
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Three jokes about affairs (because sometimes laughter is safer than secrets)
Affairs are usually talked about in hushed tones, behind closed doors, and with a great deal of seriousness. But occasionally, the safest way to tiptoe around a delicate subject is with a wink and a punchline. These three jokes don’t take sides, point fingers or open old wounds – they simply prove that even life’s trickiest topics can be laughed at, at least for a moment. A woman was having…
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Proof criminals aren’t always clever: Three jokes about really dumb crooks
Crime might pay … but intelligence is clearly optional. For every master criminal who plans an elaborate heist, there are dozens more who forget the basics – like not leaving their name, face or return address at the scene. From crooks caught by their own logic to thieves undone by breathtaking stupidity, these jokes celebrate the criminals who make you wonder how they ever got out the front…
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5 jokes that prove getting older just means getting funnier
They say age is just a number – unfortunately, it’s a number that now needs reading glasses. Growing older might come with a few extra creaks and forgetful moments, but it also comes with one priceless advantage: a much better sense of humour about it all. If you can’t laugh at ageing, you’re probably still looking for your glasses … which are on your head. Here are five jokes that perfectly…