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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Ready for take-off? These aviation jokes are cleared for landing
From pilots and passengers to airports and in-flight meals, these classic aviation one-liners are guaranteed to keep your spirits flying high. If you step onto a plane and recognise a friend of yours named Jack don’t yell out Hi Jack! On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
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Happy Mother’s Day: the jokes that prove mums have always been one step ahead of everyone else
She knew when you were lying. She knew where everything was. She turned the beaters off before letting you lick them – or maybe she didn’t, and that was the point. In honour of every mum who has seen it all, done it all and still somehow kept the family running, here are a few jokes to share with the special woman in your life today. Fair warning: she will have heard most of them…
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Five clever jokes that will make you laugh … or groan
Sometimes the best jokes are the ones that make you laugh and groan at the same time. Wordplay, puns and silly twists have been making people smile for generations, and these five quick jokes are perfect for a light-hearted break in your day. See which one gets the biggest laugh. Did you hear about the wig thief who escaped from prison? Police are combing the area to find him. I wondered why the…
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Three classic lawyer jokes that will have you laughing out loud
Lawyers have been the subject of jokes for generations — and for good reason. Their reputation for long hours, detailed time sheets and clever arguments has inspired some truly memorable punchlines over the years. From heavenly accounting errors to unexpected train journeys, these classic lawyer jokes prove that a little courtroom humour can go a long way. If you enjoy a good laugh…
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5 Workplace Jokes That Anyone Who’s Had a Job Will Appreciate
Work can be stressful, but sometimes the best way to deal with it is with a good laugh. From awkward job interviews and office cubicles to clever comebacks and workplace antics, these jokes capture the lighter side of life on the job. Whether you’ve spent years in an office, factory, or anywhere in between, these classic workplace jokes are sure to bring a smile. You know what a cubicle basically…
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Florist mix-up leaves new business owner fuming — but the punchline is priceless
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: ‘Rest in Peace.’ The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: ‘Sir, I’.