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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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If You Love a Good Pun, These Wordplay Jokes Are for You
There’s something uniquely satisfying about a good play on words. It’s clever, a little unexpected, and often just groan-worthy enough to make you laugh anyway. From classic puns to quick one-liners, these jokes prove that sometimes the simplest wordplay delivers the biggest laughs — or at least a well-earned eye roll. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
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Parking Problems? These Jokes Will Make You Feel Better About Your Skills
Parking is one of those everyday challenges that somehow never gets easier. Whether it’s squeezing into a tight spot, second-guessing your angle, or walking away hoping for the best, we’ve all had our moments. The good news? If your parking isn’t perfect, you’re definitely not alone — and these jokes prove it. From cheeky notes on windscreens to workplace “motivation,” here are a few that might…
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Nine of the Best Dad Jokes we’ve heard so far this year (Yes, it’s only January)
Groan-worthy, eye-rolling and secretly funny — these are nine of the best dad jokes we’ve heard so far this year, and January isn’t even over yet. What has more lives than a cat? A frog, they croak every night. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop. A ham sandwich walks into…
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A very short joke with surprisingly long laughter
They say the best jokes don’t need a long setup – just the right punchline. This one is over almost before it begins, but don’t be fooled by its size. It’s the kind of joke that sneaks up on you, then hangs around far longer than expected, refusing to let go of the laugh. Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract.
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Hold your horses: 7 jokes that every racing fan will love
Horse racing takes itself seriously – but that doesn’t mean we have to. Whether you’re trackside, watching the races at home, or just love a good pun, these seven jokes about horses and horse racing prove that a little humour is always a safe bet. No form guide required. Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father…
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Three jokes that prove marriage and family life are always good for a laugh
Marriage and family life come with love, loyalty – and plenty of moments that make you laugh (usually at yourself). These three classic jokes take a cheeky look at spouses, parenting and the realities of long-term relationships, with punchlines that might feel a little too familiar. #1: Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the…