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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Four jokes that are completely different — and all completely brilliant
Sometimes the best jokes are the shortest ones. Sometimes the setup takes a little longer but the payoff is absolutely worth it. These four cover both ends of the spectrum – from a one-liner that lands in an instant to a neighbourhood surveillance story that builds beautifully to its conclusion. The ham sandwich one might be our favourite. Or maybe the blonde with the vacuum. It’.
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Four jokes that start simple and end somewhere you didn’t see coming
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?” After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. “Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked. The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn
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Three classic lawyer jokes that will have you laughing out loud
Lawyers have been the subject of jokes for generations — and for good reason. Their reputation for long hours, detailed time sheets and clever arguments has inspired some truly memorable punchlines over the years. From heavenly accounting errors to unexpected train journeys, these classic lawyer jokes prove that a little courtroom humour can go a long way. If you enjoy a good laugh…
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5 Workplace Jokes That Anyone Who’s Had a Job Will Appreciate
Work can be stressful, but sometimes the best way to deal with it is with a good laugh. From awkward job interviews and office cubicles to clever comebacks and workplace antics, these jokes capture the lighter side of life on the job. Whether you’ve spent years in an office, factory, or anywhere in between, these classic workplace jokes are sure to bring a smile. You know what a cubicle basically…
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Florist mix-up leaves new business owner fuming — but the punchline is priceless
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: ‘Rest in Peace.’ The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: ‘Sir, I’.
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Three pregnancy jokes that will deliver a good laugh
Sometimes the best jokes are the ones that sneak up on you. Whether it’s a clever misunderstanding, a classic doctor’s punchline or a little bit of awkward humour, pregnancy jokes have a way of delivering laughs when you least expect them. If you’re in the mood for a light-hearted chuckle, these three jokes might just brighten your day. Teacher: “Give me a sentence about a public servant.” Student: