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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Three classic lawyer jokes that will have you laughing out loud
Lawyers have been the subject of jokes for generations — and for good reason. Their reputation for long hours, detailed time sheets and clever arguments has inspired some truly memorable punchlines over the years. From heavenly accounting errors to unexpected train journeys, these classic lawyer jokes prove that a little courtroom humour can go a long way. If you enjoy a good laugh…
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5 Workplace Jokes That Anyone Who’s Had a Job Will Appreciate
Work can be stressful, but sometimes the best way to deal with it is with a good laugh. From awkward job interviews and office cubicles to clever comebacks and workplace antics, these jokes capture the lighter side of life on the job. Whether you’ve spent years in an office, factory, or anywhere in between, these classic workplace jokes are sure to bring a smile. You know what a cubicle basically…
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8 classic Bill Bailey jokes that capture his brilliantly odd humour
Bill Bailey has a talent for turning everyday moments into wonderfully absurd observations, blending music, whimsy and a touch of chaos into jokes that leave audiences howling. Whether he’s riffing on the strange poetry of English life or poking fun at the quirks of modern technology, Bailey’s humour is unmistakably his own. Here are three jokes that perfectly capture the surreal, clever…
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5 Michael McIntyre jokes that prove he’s the King of Everyday comedy
Michael McIntyre has a magical way of turning life’s most ordinary moments into laugh-out-loud comedy gold. From family chaos to awkward social encounters, the British funnyman captures the little things we all relate to – and makes them hilarious. If you love his high-energy storytelling, these five classic Michael McIntyre jokes will have you giggling, nodding and saying, “That is so true!
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Five Peter Kay jokes that still make us laugh out loud
Peter Kay has a magical way of turning everyday life into comedy gold. From childhood memories to supermarket mishaps, his humour is warm, relatable and laugh-out-loud funny – the kind that doesn’t age and doesn’t need explaining. Whether you remember him from Phoenix Nights, his legendary stand-up tours or those perfect “garlic bread?!” moments, these five classic Peter Kay jokes are…
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5 classic Ricky Gervais jokes that prove he’s still the Master of Fearless comedy
Ricky Gervais has never been a comedian who tiptoes around a punchline. Whether he’s mocking celebrity culture, taking aim at life’s everyday absurdities or delivering one of his trademark deadpan truths, he does it with a boldness that only he can get away with. For many of us, Gervais represents the kind of humour we grew up with – humour that wasn’t afraid to be honest…