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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Florist mix-up leaves new business owner fuming — but the punchline is priceless
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: ‘Rest in Peace.’ The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: ‘Sir, I’.
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Three pregnancy jokes that will deliver a good laugh
Sometimes the best jokes are the ones that sneak up on you. Whether it’s a clever misunderstanding, a classic doctor’s punchline or a little bit of awkward humour, pregnancy jokes have a way of delivering laughs when you least expect them. If you’re in the mood for a light-hearted chuckle, these three jokes might just brighten your day. Teacher: “Give me a sentence about a public servant.” Student:
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10 Dad jokes to put some sun into Sunday!
There’s nothing quite like a classic dad joke – the kind that makes you groan first and laugh second. Whether you’ve heard a few of these before or they’re brand new to you, we hope at least one of the 10 below brings a smile to your face today. 1. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates. 2. What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
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3 Dentist jokes to make your next check-up less painful
It’s time for my annual trip to the dentist – the one appointment I never look forward to, but always survive. So while we brace ourselves for the reclining chair and the tiny mirror of doom, here are a few dentist jokes to lighten the mood. Hopefully one makes you smile! What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics! What award did the dentist win? A little plaque. Patient:
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Daily joke … an Irishman walks into a bar
An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two pints of Guinness, drinks them both, and then leaves. The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two pints of Guinness, drinks them both, and then leaves. He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two pints?” The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go…
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Three classic Aussie jokes guaranteed to give you a laugh
There’s nothing like a good Aussie laugh to brighten the day, and these three cheeky jokes deliver classic down-under humour with a clever twist. From genius kangaroos to koalas with “koalifications” and a meringue gag that every Australian will get, here’s a quick dose of fun to make you smile. Q: What do you call a kangaroo that is a dead set genius? A: A quantum leap. Q: When is a bear not a…