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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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5 Wedding Ring Jokes That Might Be a Little Too Close to Home
Marriage comes with its fair share of memorable moments — some heartfelt, some challenging, and some best laughed about later. These wedding ring jokes take a light-hearted look at relationships, commitment, and the little ironies that can come with married life. A bit cheeky and slightly irreverent, they’re perfect for sharing with friends who appreciate humour that’s just a touch on the honest…
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Nine high-voltage energy gags to brighten your day
Ready to get amped up? Energy is the hot topic worldwide at the moment and as it’s mostly bad news, we’ve sparked a few jokes that will shock you into a laugh. Whether you’re switched on to science or just looking for a light-hearted charge, plug in and enjoy a collection of jokes guaranteed to generate some serious watt-age in the giggle department. From bright sparks and flowing…
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Five Cat jokes that perfectly capture why cats are so hilariously aloof
Cat lovers will tell you that living with a cat is less about ownership and more about acceptance — acceptance that you exist purely for their comfort and amusement. Cats have a unique way of making us feel adored… right up until they don’t. These jokes perfectly sum up the mysterious, occasionally brutal, and endlessly funny relationship humans have with their feline companions.
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8 classic Bill Bailey jokes that capture his brilliantly odd humour
Bill Bailey has a talent for turning everyday moments into wonderfully absurd observations, blending music, whimsy and a touch of chaos into jokes that leave audiences howling. Whether he’s riffing on the strange poetry of English life or poking fun at the quirks of modern technology, Bailey’s humour is unmistakably his own. Here are three jokes that perfectly capture the surreal, clever…
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5 Michael McIntyre jokes that prove he’s the King of Everyday comedy
Michael McIntyre has a magical way of turning life’s most ordinary moments into laugh-out-loud comedy gold. From family chaos to awkward social encounters, the British funnyman captures the little things we all relate to – and makes them hilarious. If you love his high-energy storytelling, these five classic Michael McIntyre jokes will have you giggling, nodding and saying, “That is so true!
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Five Peter Kay jokes that still make us laugh out loud
Peter Kay has a magical way of turning everyday life into comedy gold. From childhood memories to supermarket mishaps, his humour is warm, relatable and laugh-out-loud funny – the kind that doesn’t age and doesn’t need explaining. Whether you remember him from Phoenix Nights, his legendary stand-up tours or those perfect “garlic bread?!” moments, these five classic Peter Kay jokes are…