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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Eight Sunday jokes to share with the family
Sundays are for slowing down… unless you have grandchildren. Then they’re for stepping on Lego, negotiating screen time like a hostage situation, and wondering how a “quick trip to the park” somehow required three snacks, two costume changes and a full emotional breakdown. Welcome to our collection of funny Sunday family activity jokes — because if you can’t get peace and quiet, you might as well…
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Step right up! Seven circus jokes guaranteed to make you laugh
The circus has always been about big laughs, colourful characters and a little bit of silliness. From clowns and ringmasters to daring acrobats and mischievous animals, the circus world is full of comic possibilities. If you’re in the mood for a quick chuckle, these circus jokes might just have you laughing louder than the crowd under the big top. I have just been offered a job as a clown.
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5 classic Ricky Gervais jokes that prove he’s still the Master of Fearless comedy
Ricky Gervais has never been a comedian who tiptoes around a punchline. Whether he’s mocking celebrity culture, taking aim at life’s everyday absurdities or delivering one of his trademark deadpan truths, he does it with a boldness that only he can get away with. For many of us, Gervais represents the kind of humour we grew up with – humour that wasn’t afraid to be honest…
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10 Dad jokes to put some sun into Sunday!
There’s nothing quite like a classic dad joke – the kind that makes you groan first and laugh second. Whether you’ve heard a few of these before or they’re brand new to you, we hope at least one of the 10 below brings a smile to your face today. 1. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates. 2. What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
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3 Dentist jokes to make your next check-up less painful
It’s time for my annual trip to the dentist – the one appointment I never look forward to, but always survive. So while we brace ourselves for the reclining chair and the tiny mirror of doom, here are a few dentist jokes to lighten the mood. Hopefully one makes you smile! What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics! What award did the dentist win? A little plaque. Patient:
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Daily joke … an Irishman walks into a bar
An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two pints of Guinness, drinks them both, and then leaves. The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two pints of Guinness, drinks them both, and then leaves. He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two pints?” The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go…