Your Horoscopes

Aries | March 21 to April 19

On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn’t enough. It’s how you derail the train that counts.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another fifth of Scotch.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big-band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

An innocent prank at the laboratory where you work will result in the world’s population being cut by a third.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The harvest moon in Cancer means change for your sign. You will die late Wednesday afternoon.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Love will enter your life this week, but will ultimately fail to take the place of hatred.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your favourite snack contains only two parts per million of radioactive materials. Eat a quarter of a million of them.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Assuming a can-do attitude this week and taking charge of your life will make you the hit of death row.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Annoyance is added to insult this week when veteran actor Tommy Lee Jones wakes you out of a sound sleep to tell you he disapproves of the way you’ve been living lately.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You need just one more pathetic gesture to make your life the worst ever lived by a sane human being. Buy an expensive, hour-long recording of engine sounds and listen to it over and over late at night.

Main Image by Quique from Pixabay

Zodiac Images by Alexa from Pixabay

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