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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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7 farm jokes that are guaranteed to milk a few laughs
From clever cows to cheeky pigs and one very hungry rooster, these farmyard jokes are packed with groan-worthy punchlines and plenty of laughs. A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he watches the rooster chase a hen around. Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and runs to the piece of cookie. The farmer shakes his head slowly…
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Five Michael McIntyre jokes that prove he’s the funniest man in Britain
There are few comedians in the world who can find genius in the completely ordinary – the scissors stuck in packaging, the weather forecast nobody needed, the old person who answers the phone like a speaking clock. Michael McIntyre has built one of the biggest comedy careers on the planet by noticing the tiny absurdities of everyday life and holding them up for the rest of us to see.
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Nine gambling jokes to remember on your next punt
Gambling might be all about risk, luck, and chasing the big win – but sometimes the real jackpot is finding the funny side when things don’t quite go to plan. From “sure things” that weren’t to those almost moments, there’s no shortage of stories that are equal parts painful and hilarious. So place your bets, keep your expectations low, and enjoy these jokes – because at least laughter…
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Loch Ness Monster jokes that prove Nessie has a wicked sense of humour
There’s something timeless about a good old-fashioned monster story – especially when it comes with a punchline. The legend of Loch Ness Monster has fascinated travellers, sceptics and believers for generations, but it seems Nessie isn’t just mysterious … she’s also unintentionally hilarious. From whisky-fuelled sightings to divine interventions gone wrong, these three jokes give the famous…
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A good laugh is a winner: The funniest sports jokes to share this week
Whether you’re a die-hard fan or just enjoy the occasional game, there’s something about sport that brings out the humour in all of us. From cricket one-liners to tennis puns and a State of Origin mishap you won’t forget in a hurry, these jokes prove that sometimes the funniest moments happen off the field. So sit back, have a chuckle, and maybe share one with a mate –.
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Wheelie good laughs: The best bicycle jokes to keep you rolling
There’s something about a good old-fashioned joke that never goes out of style – especially when it involves a few terrible puns and a healthy dose of silliness. Whether you’re a cycling enthusiast or just along for the ride, these bicycle jokes are guaranteed to keep the laughs rolling (and yes, some of them are delightfully bad). Q: Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own? A: