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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Buckle up: the car jokes that will have you laughing all the way to the garage
Whether you’re stuck in traffic, overdue for a service or still not quite sure what to do in a roundabout, these six car jokes are guaranteed to make the journey a little more enjoyable. Proceed with caution – groaning is perfectly normal. Ditzy friend to another: “I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said ’30 mph’ so I drove 30 times…
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Ready for take-off? These aviation jokes are cleared for landing
From pilots and passengers to airports and in-flight meals, these classic aviation one-liners are guaranteed to keep your spirits flying high. If you step onto a plane and recognise a friend of yours named Jack don’t yell out Hi Jack! On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
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A very short joke with surprisingly long laughter
They say the best jokes don’t need a long setup – just the right punchline. This one is over almost before it begins, but don’t be fooled by its size. It’s the kind of joke that sneaks up on you, then hangs around far longer than expected, refusing to let go of the laugh. Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract.
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Hold your horses: 7 jokes that every racing fan will love
Horse racing takes itself seriously – but that doesn’t mean we have to. Whether you’re trackside, watching the races at home, or just love a good pun, these seven jokes about horses and horse racing prove that a little humour is always a safe bet. No form guide required. Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father…
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Three jokes that prove marriage and family life are always good for a laugh
Marriage and family life come with love, loyalty – and plenty of moments that make you laugh (usually at yourself). These three classic jokes take a cheeky look at spouses, parenting and the realities of long-term relationships, with punchlines that might feel a little too familiar. #1: Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the…
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Three cruise jokes that prove life at sea is always an adventure
Cruises promise relaxation, luxury and a little adventure – but anyone who’s been on one knows the real fun often comes from the unexpected moments. From life onboard to the quirks of fellow passengers, these three cruise jokes capture the lighter side of life at sea and are guaranteed to give you a laugh before you even unpack your bags. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the…