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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Heavenly timing: 3 prayer jokes with wicked twists
There’s something about bedtime prayers that feels sweet, innocent and wholesome … until the punchline lands. If you enjoy classic joke-telling with a clever twist at the end, these three prayer-themed gags will have you chuckling – and maybe keeping an ear out next time someone says “goodbye” during grace. One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: “God bless Mommy…
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8 Short Jokes About Absolutely Random Things (Because We All Need a Laugh)
Not every collection of jokes needs a theme. Sometimes the funniest moments come from life’s random observations – the little absurdities we all recognise but rarely say out loud. From everyday habits to unexpected twists, a quick joke can turn an ordinary moment into something worth chuckling about. So if you’ve got a spare minute and could use a smile, here are eight short jokes about…
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Daily Joke: Husband puts his wife’s hearing to the test
A husband began wondering if his wife had a hearing problem as they were struggling to communicate. One day, he decided to put her to the test. While his wife was sitting down watching the television, he crept up behind her. “Honey, can you hear me?” He whispered from a bit of a distance. After no response he crept up a bit closer and said a bit louder: “Honey, can you hear me?
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Daily Joke: A young man visits the supermarket
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. When he reached the checkout line he realised the old lady was in front of him in line. “Pardon me,” she turned around and said to the young man. “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel…
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Daily Joke: A dinner date takes an awkward turn
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks: “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’.
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Daily Joke: A married couple enjoy a night under the stars
An old married couple were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night the wife woke her husband up and said: “Look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” The husband replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” The wife said: “And what do you make of that?” The husband replied: “.