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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Three pregnancy jokes that will deliver a good laugh
Sometimes the best jokes are the ones that sneak up on you. Whether it’s a clever misunderstanding, a classic doctor’s punchline or a little bit of awkward humour, pregnancy jokes have a way of delivering laughs when you least expect them. If you’re in the mood for a light-hearted chuckle, these three jokes might just brighten your day. Teacher: “Give me a sentence about a public servant.” Student:
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Talking Trash: Five Rubbish Jokes That Are Surprisingly Good
They say one person’s trash is another person’s treasure – and today we’re digging through the bin for comedy gold. Here are five gloriously groan-worthy jokes that prove rubbish humour can still clean up nicely. Career Goals A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies. “Strange ambition…
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Daily Joke: An elderly couple arrive in heaven
An elderly couple passed away and found themselves at the gates of heaven. They were given a tour by Saint Peter. He showed them to a beautiful big apartment block and said: “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” Then he headed off.
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Daily Joke: The pharmacy mix-up that worked a little too well
John was a clerk at a small pharmacy but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Peter, the owner, had had about enough, and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then, a man came in coughing and asked John for the best cough syrup. Try as he might, John couldn’t find the cough syrup. Remembering Peter’s warning…
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Daily Joke: Bob takes on the million-dollar question
Bob was a contestant on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. He had finally made it to the last round and the million dollar question. The night before the big question, he told the host that he wanted a question on Australian history. When the big night arrived, Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever…
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Daily Joke: A foreman learns what real laziness looks like
A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man. “Too much trouble,