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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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The funniest things kids say: proof that children have absolutely no filter – and we love them for it
There is a particular kind of humour that only children can pull off – completely unintentional, utterly logical from their perspective, and so perfectly timed it leaves you doubled over. Whether they’re outsmarting a nun with chocolate chip cookie theology, offering emotional support with a catch, or delivering brutal feedback on your handwriting, kids have a gift for saying exactly…
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Three family DNA jokes that prove some results are better left unopened
The home DNA test has changed the world in ways nobody entirely anticipated. Genealogy websites are full of people who set out to find a distant Irish ancestor and instead discovered an entirely different family on the other side of the city. These three jokes are for them — and for anyone who has ever wondered whether some questions are better left unasked. A man has six children and is very…
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10 one-liner jokes that are easy to remember and perfect for breaking the ice
One-liner jokes are hard to beat. They’re short, easy to remember, and just the thing when you need to break the ice or raise a smile. Whether you’re chatting with friends, meeting new people, or simply enjoying a laugh at home, a good one-liner can lighten the mood in seconds. Here are ten quick one-liner jokes that prove you don’t need a long setup to get a laugh. Why can’t you hear a…
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Why learning to dance feels like one step forward … and two steps back
If you can’t laugh at yourself while learning something new, especially later in life, you’re missing half the fun. Dancing might test your coordination, memory and pride – but it also reminds you that joy doesn’t require perfection. Here’s our favourite dance joke. I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward…
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Here’s some Christmas crackers to make you laugh
Why is Prince Andrew not writing any Christmas books? He hasn’t got any titles! Which pop star carves her own wooden Nativity scene? Sabrina Carpenter (pictured) What do Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and a snowman have in common? They’re both out in the cold. What is a French burglar’s favourite Christmas film? Louvre, Actually.
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3 jokes you can tell the grandkids
Here’s three jokes that you can tell your grandkids this Christmas. They probably haven’t heard them … even if you already have. Knock knock.. Who’s there ? A broken pencil. A Brocken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saurus Why don’t chickens tell jokes to their eggs? Because it might crack them up.