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The classic game of patience
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
If the full joke doesn’t show, please click the title to see it (opens in a new page/tab)
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A Laurel and Hardy classic that never gets old
Before television was king, Laurel and Hardy were the comedy superstars who had audiences crying with laughter in cinemas around the world. Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy became household names in the late 1920s and 1930s, mastering physical comedy, perfectly timed misunderstandings and that unforgettable combination of Stan’s wide-eyed innocence and Ollie’s slow-burn frustration.
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This courtroom exchange explains a marriage breakdown perfectly
Miscommunication can cause all sorts of problems – especially in a marriage. This classic courtroom joke follows a judge’s increasingly frustrated attempt to understand why a couple is heading for divorce, only to discover that sometimes the problem isn’t what’s being said… it’s how it’s heard. A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “.
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Daily Joke: The exam excuse that didn’t quite go to plan
Four university students decided to have a big party the night before an important exam. However, after a long night of drinking, they ended up missing it the next day. Nervous about what their professor was going to say, they simply told him they missed the exam because they had a flat tyre. Thankfully, the professor agreed the students could make up the final the next day.
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Daily Joke: A routine check-up turns into comedy gold
A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
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Daily Joke: The funniest marriage advice you’ll hear today
I once asked a friend how he and his spouse managed to maintain a happy marriage for 52 years, and he told me, “We never go to bed angry.” I thought it was a great idea and said, “I should try that too.” “Yes,” he replied. “The longest we’ve been awake so far is five days.” PS: If you missed yesterday’s joke, you can catch it here.
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Daily Joke: A man’s prayer for a parking spot takes a humorous turn
A man is looking for a parking space but he is having absolutely no luck. As he drives around he begins to desperately pray to God. “Please God, if you find me a parking spot I promise I will go to church every Sunday and never touch a drop of alcohol again!” A moment later the man sees a parking spot open up right next to the entrance. He gasps and heads toward it. “Never mind.