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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Five hilarious proposal jokes that prove romance doesn’t always go to plan
Proposals are meant to be romantic, heartfelt and unforgettable – but sometimes they’re unforgettable for all the wrong reasons. From popped balloons and forgotten “yeses” to family surprises no one saw coming, these five proposal jokes remind us that love is rarely tidy… and often very funny. If you enjoy a laugh about romance, marriage and the quirks of long-term relationships…
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7 political jokes that prove laughter might be the only thing we all agree on
Politics can divide families, ruin dinner parties and make otherwise sensible people shout at the television. But every now and then, it also delivers something we can all enjoy – a good laugh. From campaign promises to parliamentary behaviour, there’s no shortage of material. So in the interest of national unity (or at least a shared chuckle), here are seven politics jokes guaranteed to…
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Daily Joke: When “making copies” goes terribly wrong
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. “Do you know how to operate this thing?” he asks. “I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right.” “Sure,” the other man answers. “Just put the paper in here and press this button.” The first man does so, saying: “Great. And where do the copies come out?
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Daily Joke: A first day on the job this cabbie won’t forget
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, drove up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”.
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Daily Joke: A man visits the doctor for a routine check-up
One day, a man went to see his doctor and told him that he hadn’t been feeling well. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another large glass of…
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Daily Joke: A knock at the door
A woman was greeted by a knock and opened her door to find a distressed man on her porch. Apologising profusely, he said, “I’m so sorry. I accidentally ran over your cat and I feel terrible about it. I’d like to replace it for you.” The woman sighed and shook her head, then responded, “Well, if that’s the case, I suppose it’s fine… but how good are…
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