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The classic game of patience
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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A Laurel and Hardy classic that never gets old
Before television was king, Laurel and Hardy were the comedy superstars who had audiences crying with laughter in cinemas around the world. Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy became household names in the late 1920s and 1930s, mastering physical comedy, perfectly timed misunderstandings and that unforgettable combination of Stan’s wide-eyed innocence and Ollie’s slow-burn frustration.
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This courtroom exchange explains a marriage breakdown perfectly
Miscommunication can cause all sorts of problems – especially in a marriage. This classic courtroom joke follows a judge’s increasingly frustrated attempt to understand why a couple is heading for divorce, only to discover that sometimes the problem isn’t what’s being said… it’s how it’s heard. A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “.
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Daily Joke: Doctor’s diagnosis gets a dose of humour
A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. “I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.” “Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”.
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Daily Joke: One late night, a cold, and a brutally honest wife
One late night, a husband had a terrible, stuffy head cold and yet was talkative. The wife was exhausted and wanted to sleep. He said: “I am so stuffed up, if I closed my mouth, I would choke”. The wife replied: “It’s a risk I am willing to take!”…
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Daily Joke: When “making copies” goes terribly wrong
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. “Do you know how to operate this thing?” he asks. “I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right.” “Sure,” the other man answers. “Just put the paper in here and press this button.” The first man does so, saying: “Great. And where do the copies come out?
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Daily Joke: A first day on the job this cabbie won’t forget
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, drove up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”.
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