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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Parking Problems? These Jokes Will Make You Feel Better About Your Skills
Parking is one of those everyday challenges that somehow never gets easier. Whether it’s squeezing into a tight spot, second-guessing your angle, or walking away hoping for the best, we’ve all had our moments. The good news? If your parking isn’t perfect, you’re definitely not alone — and these jokes prove it. From cheeky notes on windscreens to workplace “motivation,” here are a few that might…
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Nine Easter jokes to make you want more chocolate
Easter is a time for chocolate, long weekends, and the annual mystery of how eggs – and somehow a bunny – became the stars of the show. It’s wholesome, it’s sweet, and it’s just strange enough to be perfect comedy material. So whether you’re here for the dad jokes, the chocolate puns, or a few cheeky cracks about the Easter Bunny’s workload, these jokes are egg-actly what you need.
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Daily Joke: A drunk man wanders into a church
A drunk man stumbles into a church, sits down in the confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to get the man’s attention, but the drunk man remains silent. Finally, the annoyed priest knocks on the wall three times to get the drunk man to speak. After a few minutes the drunk man replies, “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”.
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Daily Joke: A pirate’s unbelievable story
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and the pair take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch, and asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg leg?” The pirate replies: “We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg…
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Daily Joke: What does a chicken give you?
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you? Student: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Student: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Student: Homework!
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Daily Joke: An elderly couple arrive in heaven
An elderly couple passed away and found themselves at the gates of heaven. They were given a tour by Saint Peter. He showed them to a beautiful big apartment block and said: “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” Then he headed off.