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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Eight Food Jokes That Are Almost Too Tasty to Share
Food brings us together – and sometimes it gives us a very good laugh. From kitchen mishaps to our eternal love affair with snacks, these eight food jokes serve up a little humour alongside the everyday realities of eating, cooking and indulging. No calories, no guilt – just a good chuckle or two to brighten your day. What’s a banana’s favorite way to say thank you? Thanks a bunch!
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5 Husband and Wife jokes that are uncomfortably relatable
Marriage is many things: a partnership, a compromise, a lifelong negotiation – and occasionally, an endless source of comedy. Whether you’ve been married for five years or fifty, there’s something comforting about jokes that gently poke fun at the everyday realities of life with the person you love most (and sometimes argue with the most). These five husband and wife jokes are all in good…
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Daily Joke: A man visits the doctor for a routine check-up
One day, a man went to see his doctor and told him that he hadn’t been feeling well. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another large glass of…
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Daily Joke: A knock at the door
A woman was greeted by a knock and opened her door to find a distressed man on her porch. Apologising profusely, he said, “I’m so sorry. I accidentally ran over your cat and I feel terrible about it. I’d like to replace it for you.” The woman sighed and shook her head, then responded, “Well, if that’s the case, I suppose it’s fine… but how good are…
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Daily Joke: A couple visit an art gallery
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?” The husband replies: “Autumn.”.
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Daily Joke: A man takes his date to the carnival
A man named Alan takes his blind date Molly to the carnival for some fun. There’s plenty of games, rides and attractions and Alan is curious to know what his date wants to do. “I want to get weighed,” Molly says. Alan takes her to the carnival games and attempts to guess her weight at the weight-guessing game. He guesses 130 pounds and when Molly gets on the scales it reads 127 pounds.
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