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  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.”

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes
  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes
  • Your Horoscopes

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs.

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
    (more…)
    Read more: Your Horoscopes

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  • 5 jokes that prove getting older just means getting funnier

    They say age is just a number – unfortunately, it’s a number that now needs reading glasses. Growing older might come with a few extra creaks and forgetful moments, but it also comes with one priceless advantage: a much better sense of humour about it all. If you can’t laugh at ageing, you’re probably still looking for your glasses … which are on your head. Here are five jokes that perfectly…

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  • 9 one-line jokes guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial

    Sometimes all you need is a single sentence to lift your mood. These nine one-line jokes are quick, clever and guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial — no setup required. What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head. Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf? In case they get a hole in one. My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her … I SAID MAYBE.

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  • Daily Joke: A woman dies and goes to heaven

    A woman has a heart attack. Sadly she dies and goes to heaven, where she comes face to face with God. “Am I dying?” she asks him. “No,” God replies. “You will live for another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days.” Instantly she snaps back to life and, after her near-death experience, vows to make the most of her life. She changes the colour of her hair…
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  • Daily Joke: Pete and Mick were in court

    Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge. “Why can’t this case be settled out of court?” the judge asked. Pete looked up at the judge and said: “That’s what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered.”.
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  • Daily Joke: An elderly man owned a farm

    An elderly man had owned a farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the…
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  • Daily Joke: A blonde calls a pharmacy…

    A blonde calls a pharmacy to ask if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. “No, not at all,” says the clerk. “Most mothers figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby and then subtracting their own weight.” “Oh, that won’t work,” says the blonde. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”…
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