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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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Seven jokes about petrol prices you just have to laugh at
Petrol prices have reached the point where filling up feels less like a routine stop and more like a financial decision that requires a moment of silent reflection. Every trip to the pump now comes with a deep sigh, a quick mental budget recalculation, and the faint hope the numbers might somehow stop climbing. So if you can’t beat the prices, you might as well laugh at them –.
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Nine gambling jokes to remember on your next punt
Gambling might be all about risk, luck, and chasing the big win – but sometimes the real jackpot is finding the funny side when things don’t quite go to plan. From “sure things” that weren’t to those almost moments, there’s no shortage of stories that are equal parts painful and hilarious. So place your bets, keep your expectations low, and enjoy these jokes – because at least laughter…
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Daily Joke: The pharmacy mix-up that worked a little too well
John was a clerk at a small pharmacy but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Peter, the owner, had had about enough, and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then, a man came in coughing and asked John for the best cough syrup. Try as he might, John couldn’t find the cough syrup. Remembering Peter’s warning…
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Daily Joke: Bob takes on the million-dollar question
Bob was a contestant on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. He had finally made it to the last round and the million dollar question. The night before the big question, he told the host that he wanted a question on Australian history. When the big night arrived, Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever…
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Daily Joke: A foreman learns what real laziness looks like
A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man. “Too much trouble,
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Daily Joke: A broken tooth, a big question, and a good laugh
A patient sits in the dentist’s chair with severely fractured front teeth. After discussing with the dentist how they will be restored and what the fee will be, the patient says: “Before you start, I have to know Doc, will I be able to play the clarinet when you are finished?” “Of course you will!” the dentist happily answers. The patient sighs in relief and says: “Oh that’s great, I couldn’t play…