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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
If the full joke doesn’t show, please click the title to see it (opens in a new page/tab)
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Three jokes about affairs (because sometimes laughter is safer than secrets)
Affairs are usually talked about in hushed tones, behind closed doors, and with a great deal of seriousness. But occasionally, the safest way to tiptoe around a delicate subject is with a wink and a punchline. These three jokes don’t take sides, point fingers or open old wounds – they simply prove that even life’s trickiest topics can be laughed at, at least for a moment. A woman was having…
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Proof criminals aren’t always clever: Three jokes about really dumb crooks
Crime might pay … but intelligence is clearly optional. For every master criminal who plans an elaborate heist, there are dozens more who forget the basics – like not leaving their name, face or return address at the scene. From crooks caught by their own logic to thieves undone by breathtaking stupidity, these jokes celebrate the criminals who make you wonder how they ever got out the front…
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Daily Joke: An elderly man owned a farm
An elderly man had owned a farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the…
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Daily Joke: A blonde calls a pharmacy…
A blonde calls a pharmacy to ask if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. “No, not at all,” says the clerk. “Most mothers figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby and then subtracting their own weight.” “Oh, that won’t work,” says the blonde. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt.”…
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Daily Joke: A mosquito takes to the skies
It was a baby mosquito’s first day flying out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, “How was your journey?” The baby mosquito replied, “It went great, everyone was clapping for me!”…
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Daily Joke: A man buys his girlfriend a special gift
A young man wanted to purchase a very special gift for his new girlfriend. They hadn’t been dating for very long and he wanted to get her the perfect present. After giving it a lot of thought, he decided to get her a new pair of gloves. He went to the store with his sister, who happened to be buying a new pair of panties at the same time. They went to the same check-out and the man behind the…
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