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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.” Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.
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Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you’ve ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars are peeved that you didn’t renew your subscription to Sky & Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates. -
Your Horoscopes
Read more: Your HoroscopesAries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The twin spectres of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Robert Duvall confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing. (more…)Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children’s lungs. Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
AREA 555 (HA HA HA!)
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5 jokes that prove getting older just means getting funnier
They say age is just a number – unfortunately, it’s a number that now needs reading glasses. Growing older might come with a few extra creaks and forgetful moments, but it also comes with one priceless advantage: a much better sense of humour about it all. If you can’t laugh at ageing, you’re probably still looking for your glasses … which are on your head. Here are five jokes that perfectly…
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9 one-line jokes guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial
Sometimes all you need is a single sentence to lift your mood. These nine one-line jokes are quick, clever and guaranteed to bring a smile to your dial — no setup required. What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head. Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf? In case they get a hole in one. My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her … I SAID MAYBE.
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Daily Joke: Life, Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and…
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Daily Joke: A cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.” “Well,” says the cat, “I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.” “Say no more,” says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to…
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Daily Joke: I’m a blonde but I’m not stupid!
Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his…
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Daily Joke: Young Johnny and the numbers quiz
Little Johnny, whose dad was an avid Blackjack and Poker player, was being quizzed by his teacher. “Do you know your numbers?” the teacher asked. “Yes,” Jonny replied. “My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after three?” “Four,” answered Jonny. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?” “Jack.”…
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